I was running errands tonight after dropping Caitlin off at Hollywood Studios and suddenly a question hit me upside the head so hard that I almost had to pull over. What would my dad have thought of me walking away from my job and not trying to get a new one at the company?

Dad was always my biggest supporter, my counselor, and the person who thought I could be more than I thought I could be. He was also the person who constantly, during my college years, told me to take business courses and to major in business (I didn’t take a single business course and to this day, never have). He told me it was the way to make a living and he didn’t know or think I could earn money as a graphic designer or a zoologist or a psychologist. I can remember getting into pretty heated fights about it with him and feeling like he was not supporting me or not proud that I could be more than a business person. I could be an artist or a biologist or a psychologist. To me, those were challenging majors that required critical thinking skills, outward problem solving and actual creativity. I felt heartbroken at times that he wanted me to take classes that to me seemed so boring and were not challenging either. I viewed those majors in business as the ones that people took because (in my mind) they weren’t creative enough or smart enough to do anything else. It was a default major for people who didn’t think or were not creative. That may seem harsh, but it was how I felt. I read the descriptions of what business majors did and read the class descriptions and thought, “Really? They go to school for this? Why not just go work in a business and learn it there?” I had been working at businesses all through high school and into college in some capacity, especially retail, it didn’t seem that hard. I think dad knew what I could not see at the time, that I could apply my creativity, critical thinking skills, problem solving skills in business and do some real good and be more successful than most. It would take me years to realize that that was what I was doing.

Dad had retired from the military and jumped around from job to job afterward before finally landing at leading newspaper circulation – something he was very successful at. In retrospect, he should have went to school to, believe it or not, become a counselor (he was, after all, a great counselor to me). People who worked for him, looked up to him and he mentored many. He also would have made a great photographer or photojournalist. Years later when I look at his photos I am overwhelmed at his spot on capture of people or of scenery or of airplanes. That said, he was an excellent business person for someone who didn’t work in it until military retirement and he didn’t go to school for it. I wonder if he went that route because it was easier and safer, like I did? He knew once he got a job, he would progress up the chain and he had more of the skill set needed than most would ever dream of having. He was a natural leader, quiet, smart, listened, found solutions quickly, accurate, critical thinker and good at solving problems. It was safe.

I used to go visit dad at work and even worked for him part-time at the Daily Dispatch in Moline, Illinois. We would chat about what he was doing or what was going on at his work and again, I thought a lot of what he did seemed like common sense and he didn’t disagree. Treat people well, talk to them, listen, understand numbers and math, use critical thinking, apply short and long-term solutions, and understand what meant success for the business owners. Common sense. I didn’t realize that what I thought was easy, was for others not natural, intuitive, or even a skill set that they had. No wonder people went to school for it, they hoped to book learn what people like myself and my dad (and many others) found so easy. God knows I worked for leaders at the EE (Evil Empire) that clearly not only didn’t learn these skills in business school, they didn’t learn it on the job and it was not a natural skill set. They could spout book learning, get by with applying what they learned, but they were never going to be extraordinary.

I worked full-time while I was in college and kept a pretty full social life in addition to keeping pretty good grades. It was a grueling schedule though and one that during some semesters went like this:

1. Get up at 2:30 a.m. to drop newspapers for USA Today into machines
2. Come home and get ready for school (or take a quick nap if there was time)
3. Go to classes
4. Work in between classes at the school (college work-study)
5. Go to part-time job after work (Mr. Neats Tux Shop)
6. Go out drinking with friends or sometimes study
7. Come home and crash or crash study for a test or paper
8. Get up and do it again (amen) (that’s a song reference that I hope you get)

It was not a sustainable schedule and I eventually burned out and went to work full-time and quit my other part-time jobs that totaled more than 40 hours a week and quit school. A friend worked as an assistant manager at Thom McAn shoes at the mall and got me a job as a manager trainee. It was a quick win to get this job that paid enough to allow me to save and to get caught up on expenses and for the first time ever, have extra money in my pocket to spend on me. In no time at all I was promoted to assistant manager since there were three stores in the vicinity and eventually promoted quickly to manager.

I never asked why they promoted me over others in the district, I assumed it was because I was the best but in retrospect I know it was also that I had a manager who promoted me well, without ego, and for the right reasons to our boss. This is something that is not stressed enough in work places, having a sponsor who promotes you for the right reasons. Interestingly enough, the man who was my supporter and internal promoter to the company was a gay man. He knew I knew he was gay and he loved that I treated him no differently than others because that was how he was. This was in 1984 so acceptance of gay people was still very low and HIV/AIDS was starting to show up in the news. He was a good person and nice man who didn’t get a fair shake on his sexuality within Melville Corporation. That is another story for another time.

Don’t get me wrong, it was not just that he promoted getting me promoted, I was also very good at what I did, caught on fast, didn’t make mistakes and when I did, I admitted it. I worked hard and learned the business quickly and accurately. Even with support, I wouldn’t have been recommended if I didn’t do the work very well. The man I worked for was smart and fast and he expected the same. He liked me because I could keep up. At the time and even now, I didn’t think anything about running a store end to end for a corporation was hard, in fact I thought it was easy. I was also good at sales and increased sales at every store I worked at which was 5 stores in the 4 years I was there. I was good at routines and getting certain things done in an order that made it easier, fast, and accurate and often had controls to double-check myself. The other thing I learned, in working for a gay man who was almost openly mocked by the district manager at the time, was that you likely were not going to get a fair shake if you were different. How little did I realize how much that would be the case even after decades of top-notch performance. For all the leadership books and management books teach people, meeting numbers and exceeding them doesn’t always cut it. Again, that is likely a topic for a later post.

I took the job as a means to an ends, I needed to work for money for school and this job was available and easy to get. In spite of all those arguments with dad about studying business, here I was working in a business role and I was really good at it.

The store that I became an actual manager of and ran for the parent corporation, Melville Corp, was in Sioux City, Iowa. It was the first time I moved away from home and I was still young and I was the only female manager in the district and was taking over a store that the local assistant manager thought he deserved. I was unsure but ready for the challenge and I was definitely home sick.

I was living in the Howard Johnson hotel for months while looking for a house that I could afford that also took dogs. I wasn’t going to move without Tasha my Siberian Husky. She was important to me and the first of many dogs I’ve had in my life. In the first week of taking over the store my assistant manager showed up at the hotel with his wife and quit but not before insulting me and telling me everyone was ready to quit. I was shaken but in retrospect I would hug that person sitting in the lobby of the hotel that was me and whisper in her ear, “Now tell this misogynistic asshole to fuck off.”

From the first week I took over the store we increased sales and increased them by a lot. I demanded that the team clean up the store, get it organized so the job of selling shoes would be easier. I expected routine and I wanted shipments ran into the walls quickly, displays set up per the company marketing guidelines, boxes to look neat when opened for customers, everyone greeted when they walked in and so on. I also demonstrated what I wanted. I ran my fair share of shipments into the walls (I liked the challenge of finding space and counting how to get the shoes in the wall). I worked quite a few hours but did try to watch them (advice my dad had given me in a letter to me after I moved- the only letter he ever wrote me).

My hard work paid off. I won awards for customer focus and for leadership development of myself and my team. I was constantly outpacing the competition of the other stores and when I didn’t I kept my head down and worked on how to get more sales. People liked working for me or they didn’t and left. There was really no in between. I was clear on expectations and ran a tight ship but also left room for innovation and most importantly fun. Fun we did have for sure.

When I left Thom McAn to stay home with Joshua my dad was disappointed. He thought I should go back and leave on better terms but I couldn’t go back to Sioux City and work and raise a child on my own. It felt too iffy in a world where I needed assurances that Joshua would be safe, especially after spending 6 months in bed to have him. I was filled with joy that he was here and could not imagine my life at Thom McAn with an infant. But once Joshua got a little older, dad often said he thought I made the right decision to stay in Springfield with him and mom. Joshua was important to dad.

Dad was proud of me when I went back to school during that time of being a full-time mom. He had also told me to get it done in that letter 5 years earlier. Something I didn’t do like I promised I would mostly because of drinking problems and relationship problems. I didn’t make the time to go to school in Sioux City, I really did just drink a lot and spend time with my boyfriend living his life with him. I thought I was happy doing that, but I lost myself doing it and later, after our son was born and I was on my own, it took time to get me back. It wouldn’t be the only time I lost sight of me or lost myself completely. In fact, it wasn’t the first time, but in retrospect I tell that younger me, “I get why you think you should do this and not do this other thing, but hold on, it’s not the right path for you anymore to live someone else’s life.”

Dad was proud when I went to work part-time at Wal-Mart to get extra money while in school. I found myself constantly being asked to work full-time and be a manager trainee. I eventually quit because they couldn’t keep my hours low enough to balance school and being a mom. He was happy when after much job searching I was hired by the city to be a counselor in a federally funded program. In that role I got to teach and train – something I loved and was good at. I still love it.

Dad was proud when I left the city and went to work at UnitedHealthcare as a trainer. He thought it was an amazing opportunity and he was right, it truly was – stressful but good. I had been promoted once when he passed away. What would he have thought of me making it to Vice President? I can only imagine how much he would have loved my success. Despite what the powers that be thought of me when I left, I was successful and hugely so. He would have really loved that.

I know I could have kept my mouth shut and likely not gotten laid off or found another role had I really pushed hard with people during my two weeks prior to leaving but my ego was hurt that this was happening and I honestly just wanted the money and a break to write and read and travel. I went back and forth about wanting to stay out of fear and wanting to leave to have a good full life. I still have my moments where I feel like a failure. So you can see why the question of what dad would think of this comes up.

As I’ve written this and relived a thousand moments that I didn’t write about in this post, I honestly think he would have told me to quit on my 55th birthday when my stock was mine to keep. I don’t think he would have liked the stress or the bullshit of people speaking to my work as if were their own all the time. He likely would have said, “Enough already, Lynn. Go enjoy life.” He would have recognized that what was happening to me was the stupid people were winning and it was time to start my own game with smart people only.

The bottom line is that dad was often proud of me if not always. It says a lot that even 18 years after he died, I still wonder or worry about what he would have thought. He was so important to me.

I started this post weeks ago and part laziness has kept me from finishing and part the recognition that this is such a rich topic for me, my relationship with my dad. Couple that with an ongoing emptiness and yearning for just one more day with him. Layer on top of THAT that I think there is also a rich story of how I got to where I am today. Yet on top of all that is the amount of things I have to process through to get to a place of really answering, “What would dad have thought?”. It is complicated with emotions, memories, dysfunction of beating myself up, sadness, and so much more. At the end of it though is the knowledge that dad would have told me to walk awhile ago and to write a letter afterwards to the leaders explaining my experience. I have not done that, I probably should, but doubt I will. If dad were here, he would push me to close that loop.