Am I courageous? I’ve often had people tell me I am because I do things like eat out by myself, travel somewhere new on my own, and step outside of perceived comfort zones. But is that courage? I don’t think it’s courage for me because those things, while they can produce anxiety, are not things I outwardly fear and am fearful of doing. Would I prefer to eat out with others? Sometimes. Would I prefer to discover new places with someone special or with my kids? Likely. Right now I don’t feel courageous as I find myself without a job to go to every morning that was predictable. It was also soul sucking and didn’t use my full talents, but it was predictably always there and I knew how I would spend my days. I didn’t want to be there, tied to the chair in front of my computer each day on the phone doing the same thing every day – trying to create understanding with people on how to make things better for the company and for our customers when they were perfectly happy with their status quo and repackaging it over and over and over again. But I’ve had doubts today that I should have just kept my mouth shut and kept showing up because the doubts and fear are overwhelming me today or at least I am giving them more energy than the sense of freedom and possibility that should be flowing through me instead.

I’ve had so many people say to me, “But you get (got) paid a lot?”. I can see that reasoning because when I didn’t earn anything or didn’t have money saved, I would have said the same thing. Let’s face it, back in those days, I worked wherever I needed to in order to earn the most money so I COULD save. My intent was never to stay, but I did and because I knew everything about the company or where to go to find out about something, I could do a lot with little energy. For many years that seemed ideal, I was raising two kids on my own, my dad was sick and then passed away, my mom was discovering life on her own, my ex husband made my life difficult and I didn’t have much time for friends or what interested me. Being able to do work almost blindfolded but still exceeding expectations, was ideal for my own personal balance. But then the kids got older, mom found her footing, I ended a relationship, and I was left thinking, “Is this all there is?” (a great Nanci Griffith song). The comfort of having saved and not needing to work at this particular place for the salary weighed on me. I kept thinking “tomorrow” but was acutely aware that tomorrow may never come or I may wake up and not have time to write, draw, take photos, design shoes, write a play, write a movie, design clothing … all those things I dreamed of doing when I was younger but was too afraid to do because I needed a steady income for me and the kids. I didn’t feel courageous, I felt like I was complacent and stuck and afraid of making a mistake or regretting that I left when I should have stayed. What if I was just not as creative as I thought? or capable of writing something worth reading? or designing shoes people would wear?

I chose the picture from my photo album of Joey Ramone Place in New York City because I find Joey Ramone or Jeffrey Hyman to be one of the bravest people I can think of. Here was a guy who suffered from crippling obsessive disorders, likely other issues as well in addition to health problems coupled with being tall, skinny, and wearing glasses. He became the lead singer of the Ramones and changed musical history forever. He was also funny and smart and helped other musicians. Every interview I’ve read about him stated that he was a nice guy and really knew music. He was intelligent and knew what he loved and found a way to do it despite set backs, like being institutionalized. I think he was brave. He is also one of the few New Yorkers to get a street named after him. He would have liked that. What if he had been afraid of making a mistake. What if when John Cummings (Johnny Ramone) had asked him to move out from behind the drums to being lead singer he had let fear stop him? We would have been denied his voice, a voice that to this day still makes me happy when I heard a Ramones song or one of his solo songs. What if he had listened to doctors that he would never be able to live outside an institution but instead did just that? What if when he and John did not get along about ANYTHING, he had not had the courage to keep going in spite of that tension? What if.

I have been crippled today with doubts that I should not be sitting here writing or reading or working on some other project versus working my butt off to get another corporate job (it doesn’t help that everyone else thinks I should be doing this as well, well at least people who seem to be speaking up right now) doing more of the same of what I was doing at the EE. I wonder if it is my ego telling me that all those people who don’t matter back at the EE need to be shown that I was able to get a better job leaving there. Yet wouldn’t having a book published or writing something really good do the same and be more soul satisfying for me and forgetting about these people that don’t matter, just better for the universe? Or my photos at a gallery? Will I be happier stepping out of my comfort zone and doing these things vs using up my time in a 9-5 (more like 6-6) making things better for people in corporations?

Duh.